I started writing this post at the beginning of August, right after we moved to our new place. But I couldn’t finish it because I wasn’t quite ready. I remember I was in between thoughts and emotions. After two and a half months, it’s done.
A few minutes ago, I found myself writing some thoughts to my friend, Sanjana, and when I was done with my last sentence, I added, “This should be a blog post,” hence it’s becoming one. What I’m about to discuss is already summarized in the title, but I want to tell you more.
It’s been a few months since we (my husband and I) moved to Berlin, but we’d been living in a furnished temporary flat. We sold most of the stuff we had in Istanbul, left the rest in a storage unit, and came here with two massive suitcases.
I always thought I would end up in The Netherlands, probably Amsterdam, and Eren had the American Dream and wanted to live in New York. So, we saw Berlin as the first step towards our dreams, and the ability to move anywhere, anytime was liberating. Until last week, our monitors were our heaviest belongings. Then we realized we had to find a long-term place before October (the struggle was real), and again, we thought it should be a furnished place so we don’t settle down entirely or spend tons of money for somewhere we don’t want to stay more than a few years.
At the end of July, we found a great apartment—perfect location, with a balcony and sunlit rooms. But, there is a but, it came without furniture, an internet connection, or an electricity subscription.
After we got the apartment, things changed. We have a giant fridge, a four-year apartment lease, and 24 months internet subscription contract. All of this is scary. This all means we can’t move anywhere else anytime soon.
While writing to Sanjana, I realized how scary it is to have “stuff,” being unable to fit in a few suitcases and move life here and there, especially if you haven’t dreamt about living there for a long time.
I’ve never thought I would end up or settle down here, but life is doing its thing, and I gave up on trying to control it. Amazon is benefiting from this the most.
Since I knew I’d start dreaming about moving elsewhere from the day I arrived, why did I come here in the first place? We thought it would make many things easier for us. For instance, living in Berlin would mean we wouldn’t need a visa to travel within Europe. It takes so much time to prepare all the documents and get a month-long visa to re-apply whenever we have another ticket. It’s a waste of time and money and makes me very anxious. So we thought it would be a good start.
All I know is I want to settle down. I want to get a dog or a cat. I don’t want to get stressed about disassembling furniture while assembling it. It’s tough to feel like you belong somewhere when you know you’ll eventually leave.
I need to come to terms with this uncertainty. I don’t know the exact time we will be able to move. Maybe life gets in the way, and we might do it; who knows? I don’t want to spend my days waiting for something to happen.
I would rather take my time to disassemble furniture when the time comes than waste a few years in a place I cannot call home.
I need to get some plants.